What everyone has to learn for themselves

     A year ago tomorrow my tires in my little Toyota Corolla crossed the Utah state border. I finally arrived where I was going to spend the next year at least. It honestly feels like yesterday. I can still remember passing the "Welcome to Utah" sign and thinking "Holy crap. Am I really doing this?". Little did I know it would be one of the hardest and best years of my life.

    I have learned so much. I have learned struggle. I have learned success. I've learned sadness. I've learned happiness. I've learned my weaknesses. I've learned my strengths. I've learned how thankful I am for my family. I've learned that no matter what they are my rock. I've learned how thankful I am for my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I've learned what it feels like to feel completely alone. But I've learned even in my weakest and hardest moments that He is there. I've learned I am not perfect and I never will be. And I've learned that that's okay. I didn't think it would be as hard as it has been. There have been days where I want nothing more than a huge hug from all 18 members of my family. Being 2,200 miles away from them has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I've learned my siblings are my best friends. I've learned my parents are my biggest fans. I learned how to live and drive in the snow..scariest stuff for a FL girl. 

     Moving here alone was by far the scariest thing I've ever done. I have made some friendships that I don't know what I would do without. I have an amazing job that has given me so many wonderful opportunities. I am now attending a University that I thoroughly enjoy. 

   Everyday presents a new struggle. Some days I just wanna run back to Florida. Other days I never want to leave Utah. I know that right now this is where I'm supposed to be. There is more for me to learn. More growth to be made. I can't wait for the day when I have my degree in my hand and my bags are packed headed back East. But these are days I will never forget. I am being molded into the person I am meant to become. Every decision I make influences some piece of my life, good or bad. I never thought I would live in Provo, Utah. But I'm happy I do. Here's to one more year in Utah. 

    

Here we go people..vulnerability at it's finest.

    First off, what is vulnerability? There are three definitions that I found fitting. The first one says, open to moral attack, critism, temptation, etc. The second, capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. And the third was geared towards a military point of view but it said, liable or exposed to attack, which can be taken in an emotional sense also. None of those sounds like things I want to take part in. Who wants to be criticized, attacked, or wounded emotionally?
    Vulnerability is telling someone you love them knowing you may get nothing in return. It's saying you are upset or hurt. Vulnerability is sharing with someone your music, art work, writing, whatever it may be knowing there is a chance someone might think it's terrible. It's confiding in a friend with a secret that not a single person knows and trusting they won't run for the door or think less of you. It's allowing your heart to be open to the possibility of getting shattered in a million pieces. Vulnerability is being who you are and being okay with it.
     Vulnerability sucks. It hurts like hell sometimes. But sometimes you accomplish things or open up to things/people that you never thought you could. Being vulnerable allows you to develop relationships with people that you'll wonder how you ever went day to day without them. It's admitting the very thing I just said. That you need people in your life. Vulnerability is getting your butt to the gym even though you are embarrassed to work out with some of those people because you don't feel up to par. It's when your friend asks you to make a simple funny face or funny noise but just can't freakin do it because you don't want to look stupid.
    Vulnerability is a blessing and curse. It's what drives us away, yet brings us home. I've learned that you do vulnerable things every single day. I'm doing one right now. Writing this and telling everyone what being vulnerable is to me. People might read this and say, "That doesn't make any sense. That's not what vulnerability is." Or they might criticize my grammer. I'm almost positive I have commas where they aren't neccessary or no commas where they are neccessary. I'm sure I probably spelt some stuff wrong too.
      But I've learned lately that without practicing vulnerability you could be hindering the things you can learn about yourself, about others, and what others can learn about you. It's a freaking scary thing to let someone in and get to know the "real you". But that would be a lonely world. (As a friend pointed out to me recently) And let's be honest, who really wants to be alone? I said just today that I'm done putting myself out there. Do I mean that? Most definitely. But will I actually do that? Nope. We are wired for connection. We crave it and as much as I want to just close off every feeling of vulnerability so that I never get hurt again, I can't.
    I'm thankful for friends that push me to break that wall and that barrier that I put up because of fear of being attacked or wounded or embarrassed. It's scary to think that by acting a certain way someone you care about could turn around and walk away. But that's how you strengthen relationships. And even though it can be really uncomfortable to open up and look like a retard and it may take weeks, or days, or years, or just a few hours you'll feel a little lighter afterwards. No one ever perfects vulnerability. I know I never will.

"Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen."
-Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
(Read this book, watch her Ted Talk. You'll be forever enlightened.)
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=brene+brown+ted+talk+youtube&mid=D183BD0575EFF39CCA71D183BD0575EFF39CCA71&view=detail&FORM=VIRE1

Amongst the chaos

        Do you ever feel like you're going no where fast? That's been the story of my life lately. Sometimes I think we just over think things and contemplate where we are going and what we are doing with our life too much. We're all guilty of it. As a semester draws to a near end I think about what classes to take next, if I'm choosing the right career, if I'm choosing the right school, if I want to stay where I'm at for the next couple years, etc.

 Anyone that knows me knows that I don't like to stay in one place for too long. That causes a real problem for me when trying to decide where I'm going to stay put for school. I like change and embrace it. I hate to live a predictable life. I'm not sure why I am this way, but I am. I still don't feel 110% certain of what is going to happen but I know what I am aiming for.

 

 

I went home for a visit 2 weeks ago and it couldn't have been more perfect. I got to spend time with everyone that I love, although I wish it could have been longer. I have definitely learned the importance of family and true friends. I am glad that I have a strong relationship with my family and that we can communicate and keep in touch so easily. I am thankful for the friends that I have that I know will be by my side no matter what. You know you have a true friend when you haven't seen each other in 8 months and it's as if you were never apart.

 But I have also learned the importance of meeting new people. I believe that people are put in your path for a reason. I try to take something away from every friendship/relationship that I develop. I have been lucky to meet and make friends out here in Utah that I know I will have forever. As cheesey as that sounds, I know it's true. I know that there is something to be learned in every situation. Even if it's not a situation where you would normally think there is something to learn. I'm sure there is at least one thing you can take away from it. I was lucky enough to find people that laugh at my stupid jokes and brush off my plethora of blonde moments. People that although I haven't known very long, seem to know me pretty well.

 I have learned that life is what you make it. I'm sure I could've moved anywhere and been just as happy as I am here in Provo. But I'm not somewhere else, I'm right here. And I'm going to make it worth it. You can't control every little thing that happens in your life and that is something that was hard for me to finally grasp. Only worry about the things you can control. Not what you cannot.

I've learned that you should live your life for yourself, not anyone else. Do what makes you happy and do it well. Don't worry what others think. There will always be someone that can find something negative with a situation. Learn from their attitude, learn not to have that attitude. Be the person that people want to be around. Be the person that you love. Don't be the person that cares what others think. Be the person that walks outside with a smile on their face. Be the person that people remember. If that is in a good way or bad way is up to you. But I suggest a good way. Be the person that makes people want to be better because they know you. But most of all, be the person that makes YOU happy.

 Set goals, reach dreams, do things on your bucket list. Embrace change and new situations. It's amazing the things you can learn by just opening your eyes to the things and people around you. Open your heart and take chances. Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith. I did. And if I can do it, anyone can.